I hope this helps

I moved to my current neighborhood about eight years ago. During my time living here, I’ve had two different female neighbors come to me in distress.

The first woman came to me to ask me to be on the lookout for a certain car and a certain face. The man in question, her ex-boyfriend, had twice violated the restraining order she’d had placed on him. That morning, she’d seen him from the camera she’d placed on her balcony to view the street. Having just one camera on her front door wasn’t enough to help her feel safe.

She felt ashamed of having to share with me.

The second woman’s situation was dire. Her live-in boyfriend had torn their home apart in a fit of rage. The police were on their way, and she needed a safe place to wait it out. We waited, together. He moved out. I gave her my garage code in case she ever needed a safe space.

She felt ashamed of having to share it with me.

It took the first woman more than a year in court. Attorneys, victim advocates, missed work, the trauma of reliving the experiences over and over and over to convince a judge that this man needed to be put away.

The second woman moved, and I pray that she’s safe.

I was thinking today about all the women I know who have been harmed by men. Many women I love have experienced assault at the hands of strangers, co-workers, first dates, boyfriends, husbands, fathers.

I am not in the mood to do the math to find the percentage of the women closest to me. Suffice to say, it's many.

The stories I share here today underscore a broader issue. I didn't seek these women out. I was just existing in my own home. And something so commonplace – men harming women – forced these women to seek the relative safety of the stranger who lived next door.

There's nothing special about me being there as witness. I bet most women reading this have stories of their own and of helping others.

I'm so tired of this shit. I'm tired of victims feeling ashamed while their perpetrators just go on doing their thing. I'm tired of training my daughter to protect herself from men. I'm tired of thinking about how many women hide themselves so as not to be discovered by men who have done them harm.

So I'm just going to leave this here: In 1996, I had a restraining order placed on an ex-boyfriend. It’s now 30 years later, and he still attempts to make contact with me.

Most recently, last week, in the comments section of this blog.

This example is so minimal compared to what other women face. And I know sharing this story won't change the behavior of the person I just called out.

But it might help frame the conversation for the "good" men who read this blog. It might help the "good" men understand why saying "not all men" isn't helpful. It might help you realize that every time you allow your “bro” to engage in bad behavior, you're participating in a culture that harms women.

Heal your shit. Stop harming women.