You Deserve a Break

One of the greatest gifts of mindfulness is that my practices give me a break from the narrator in my head. 

I remember trying to read Ekhart Tolle 20+ years ago and not understanding what he meant when he said that we are not our thoughts. If I wasn’t my thoughts then who was I?  

He said that we are the watcher of our thoughts. 

I had no idea how to watch my thoughts. Plus, of course I was my thoughts – how could I truly be anything else? 

Years later, I started meditating as a way to cope. Eventually, Tolle’s words clicked because I actually experienced it. I saw how my thoughts were constantly going on and on (and on and on and on and on). No rhyme, no reason. Some helpful. Many not. 

And I started to practice watching the thoughts. One thing that worked for me was to think to myself, “I wonder what I will think about next.” 

(It’s a fun exercise. Try it sometime.) 

With practice and intention, I watched my thoughts thinking I could control them. While it’s certainly shown me a lot of opportunities to choose more supportive thoughts, it hasn’t stopped thoughts from coming. Which, as long as I stay curious about them and stop judging them, gives me some much needed distance from them. I’m a happy and healthier person now that I don’t dive into every rabbit hole of anxiety or lose myself in every black hole of obsession. 

Tonight I was reminded with just how exhausting my narrator is. For at least the last two hours, I have been “writing” today’s post in my head. The narrator has started and stopped and flailed with topics ranging from parenting to going to confession to grief to wanting to fall in love to The Field of Dreams. 

Suffice to say, I was exhausted by the time I sat down to write. But I wouldn’t have even noticed any of this if I hadn’t taken 10 minutes to meditate and realize I hadn’t paused to watch the narrator. 

People assume that we meditate to stop our thoughts, which will lead to an experience of Zen. While possible, most of my experience has been about recognizing that thoughts don’t stop. 

My peace comes from being reminded that I don’t have to engage with everything I think.