On Moving Through Fear, for Anonymous
The other night I opened up Facebook to a group message from “anonymous” seeking advice. Her husband travels a lot, and she doesn’t feel safe at home when he’s gone.
I could relate. I used to feel unsafe. A lot.
She goes on to say that she’s got an alarm and two dogs. She knows her neighbors.
Still, she feels unsafe. And has always felt unsafe, saying “that’s a different story.”
Again, I can relate.
There were a couple of comments with suggestions: bear spray under the mattress, automatic locks, consults with home security specialists. All made total sense. But I felt compelled to leave this comment, which is my Truth.
“I’m so sorry you feel unsafe. It’s such an awful feeling. I used to feel unsafe without my husband being home. We got divorced 5 years ago. Of course take all reasonable methods to secure your home. But what I’ve learned is that I needed to cultivate an inner sense of safety and trust in my world. If I could make a suggestion, it would be to do inner work around your comment of ‘that’s a different story.’ There are a lot of ways to do that–therapy, spiritual counsel, etc. For me, it was an internal job to feel safe. Sharing in case that helps.”
“Anonymous” reached out to me via private message soon after. It resonated with her, and she asked me how. I’ve given it some thought, and this post represents my best answer.
I Used to Worry A Lot
My mom says when I was a toddler, I spent a summer inside because I was convinced “the planes were gonna fall on me.” She has a list of all the things I found terrifying that we still laugh about.
Also a kid, I spent a good amount of time with my Grandma Vi. She was a self-described worry wart. She told me that her trick in life was to worry about everything. She used to hold her hands in the prayer position and say, Carie – I worry about everything and as long as I do, it never comes true.
I adapted her thought and behavior, spending much of my life in active worry about everything and anything.
In truth, I’ve lived through some hard times and rough experiences, as many of us do. Here’s the hilarious thing (not): I had never “worried” about a single one of them. None my Big 5 Terrible Things were things I ever worried about. I did however spend a lot of time locked in worry about things that never came true.
I don't judge myself for it but dang, what a waste of time.
I waste a lot less time in worry these days, because I've been doing practices that have helped me find my faith.
Which has been really helpful, because life continues to throw curveballs that still at times break my heart.
These practices keep helping me making an active choice:
Fear over faith.
Anonymous, this is for you.
I Used to Focus on the “Wrong” Things
The external world gives us a million reasons to feel unsafe.
Crime rates are up. Wars pending. Interest rates rising. Attacks can come from everywhere.
Which we're reminded of, every single time we turn on the news.
“Being in the know” is something many of us hold in high regard. I used to, too. In retrospect, my obsessive need to "know" impacted my health and wellbeing in massive ways.
I stopped watching the news in the middle of December 2012, some memory-blurred days after a mass shooting occurred at Sandy Hook Elementary School. I watched the 24/7 coverage, nonstop, clutching my 2-year-old daughter on my lap. I watched every image; I listened to every commentary. I became obsessed with knowing why. I obsessed over why because if I knew why that meant I could protect my child. I could keep her safe. I had to know why.
Why. why? WHY?
My nervous system was in overload.
Somehow, after shedding buckets of tears, I found within me the wisdom to shut the damn thing off. A little girl needed her mom to turn toward her and away from the TV.
I gave myself space from that world. And when I did, I grieved for those mothers. I grieved for the fathers. I grieved for the teachers and the community and the moms just like me who clutched their babies, devastated and relieved.
My baby needed her mom to be present. And somehow the external world made that feel impossible. My head was turned toward the fear on my screen.
Not the love in my life.
It made me curious, and I've been digging out fear in unexpected places ever since.
I Chose to Figure Out Why
The job of the human brain is to keep us safe. We evolved as a species because our brains learned how to spot predators. We learned which plants were poison and which plants were medicine, the hard way. We began to stay alive because we listened to the wisdom of our ancestors. They taught us who and what to fear. We evolved in a world filled with danger.
Here in modern times, our brain continues to do the job it came here to do: scan our environment for hazards. We're afforded relative safety and comfort, nowadays. But our brains are still LOVE to focus on what's unsafe.
I mean, who among us doesn't, on some level, enjoy a good "doom-scroll?"
Our attention is constantly being tugged at – by our phones, our notifications, noise on the street, bumps in the night.
What many of us don’t realize is that when it comes to our focus, we have a choice. (More to follow.)
I Learned More About Trauma
Many of us carry trauma in our bodies. Many of us have witnessed or experienced neglect, violence, abuse, disasters, exploitation, sudden loss, illness, attacks, war.
Even if we don't consciously recognize trauma in our own lives, there’s intergenerational trauma to contend with. A growing body of research is demonstrating that we inherit traits influenced by the economic, cultural, and familial distress of our family lines.
Trauma manifests throughout our lives physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
Physically, trauma can manifest as illness, addiction, disturbed sleep.
Emotionally, trauma can manifest as anger, guilt, sadness, shame.
Psychologically, trauma can manifest as anxiety, hypervigilance, agitation, dissociation, numbness, confusion.
Simply put, trauma puts our bodies into a stress response. When left untreated, trauma tends to take control.
NOTE: Not that we’re not as humans exceedingly resilient (because DAMN friends, WE ARE!). Just sharing because I learned that trauma was impacting my ability to live my best life. Once I consciously understood this, I began to heal.
I Felt Unsafe in My Body and I Felt Unsafe in My Life
No one needs me to list all the ways we can be made to feel unsafe in our bodies.
No one needs me to list all the ways we can be made to feel unsafe in this world.
Just allow me to leave you with this:
You deserve to feel safe, and you have within you this power.
Here is a list of things that really helped me. Take what resonates and leave the rest.
Therapy. Working with a therapist helped me to see how my thinking was often distorted. I worked with someone to help me with depression, and she became my mirror. She showed me how my thoughts and patterns of behavior were impacting my wellbeing. She taught me so much about how the brain works, and where my brain’s ideas about life weren’t in harmony with my reality. She gave me so many practical tools that I was able to put to use after each session. This included when and how to set boundaries and even motivated me to take better care of my health through nutrition and exercise. Talking to an impartial third party can be invaluable.
Medication. There have been times in my life when I've needed prescriptions. There have been times in my life when I needed plant medicines. There have been times in my life when I needed substances to get by and times in my life that I needed to end my relationship with substances. Take the journeys that are right for you.
Mindfulness.* My meditation practice, over time, taught me that I have a choice about where I place my focus. My brain (like all brains) evolved to keep me safe. My brain (like all brains) can be trained to focus on what’s good. Practicing appreciation for things that are “okay” or even neutral can be helpful.* I have learned to refocus on my attention on what's going well in my life rather than what's wrong. Mindfulness and meditation have taught me how to detach from my thoughts. Like clouds, thoughts come. Like clouds, thoughts go. These practices have also taught me to notice that between every stimulus and response, there’s a "choice point." Noticing the choice point helps me to respond with skill instead of reacting with volatility. I live each day with greater intention and spend less time racing through life on autopilot.
Nervous system regulation. When I was at my most fearful, waking up because I heard my dog jump off the couch could send me into a panic attack. My nervous system was often in an active stress response, and I didn't know it because it was my norm. I thought startling easy was a character trait—just part of my personality. Now, I still might startle at the sound of my dog, but I can take a few deep breaths and return to my slumber. I do somatic practices, such as restorative yoga, dance, breathwork, and Pilates. I connect with nature and sunshine as much as possible. I use my mindfulness practice to check in with my body and notice if I need a break to restore a feeling of calm.
Energetic healing. Everything is energy. And energy is always seeking to balance. Though “energy healing” is considered pseudo-science in the mainstream, it's a concept rooted in ancient practices (read more here). I’ve personally used sound healing as part of my journey and recommend it to anyone who will listen to me. I know many people who have seen the benefits of massage, Reiki, crystals, Chinese medicine, and acupuncture. (Here’s a list in case anything resonates.)
Spiritual healing. I grew up Catholic, and like many in my generation, ran as far away from God as possible upon becoming an adult. But when I got sick in my 30s, I was forced into a spiritual surrender, which is to say that I had no idea what to do so I made the choice to give my situation up to the universe. I made a “god box,” where I placed my greatest worries written on slips of paper. When I would notice myself ruminating on something I’d placed in the box, I’d remind myself that I’d given it up to god and that it was the universe's business, not mine. I also made a choice to believe that I was exactly where I was supposed to be in life. And that everything I was experiencing was happening FOR me, not AGAINST me. I began to use mantras, such as “in this moment I am safe; in this moment I am loved.” I’ve spent days of my life with these words in my head on repeat and countless days writing these words in my journal and expressing myself through art.
I Keep Choosing Faith Over Fear
Anonymous, this is a LOT. Much more than you asked for. I recognize that by writing this, I invited you to take a sip out of a firehose. So please take what resonates and leave the rest. It’s just that in truth, learning to feel safe in my body and in my world has been the culmination of many choices in my life over many years.
I still get scared. But fear is no longer in charge. It no longer limits me. It no longer keeps me up late at night with a racing heart. I feel more safe and secure now than I ever thought possible.
Thank you, Anonymous, for giving me this opportunity to reflect on my journey. I hope this helps.
☀️ Carie
p.s. here’s another post on healing
* I teach an online Intro to Mindfulness course to individuals and groups. We meet for 1 hour for 3 weeks on Zoom and learn basics that can help. Participants learn practices that help to get off living from “autopilot.” We learn tools that can help refocus the brain toward what’s good and respond to conflict with skill. If you’re interested in getting notified about the next time I teach this class or you’d like me to reach out to schedule a group class for your organization, fill out this form.
